Batman v Superman: Extended Cut – Our reviewer just made-up his own plot

..I can feel your heat beating..

Warning: Contains spoilers and some made-up bullshit that never happens at all. 

Editor’s note:

I thought by asking our new films & games reviewer, Logan, to review Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice – The Extended Cut, it might be a nice way to welcome him and ease him into writing for the Planet Geek website.

Now, while it is clear that Logan did actually watch the film as I requested, it also appears that somewhere between watching it and writing his review, he decided that his imagination was more entertaining and started adding random made-up shit that simply never happened in the film.

This does however provide us with a much better experience and does indeed improve the story somewhat. So cheers Logan! 

Batman V Superman is directed by Zack Synder and is produced by Deborah Synder and Charles Roven. This review will be about the extended cut, containing an additional 32 minutes of footage.

The film has grossed around $850M worldwide! And is about DC comic superheroes Batman and Superman. Should be obvious by the title really.

It shows the origins of Batman, as does every Batman story ever in the universe. Fortunately, this film shows the origins in a new way. Yes, the same event still happens, however, it happens at Bruce Wayne’s parents’ funeral. He is running away as he has the flashbacks. When watching, it had shown how upset he was by it.

The film jumps years into the future, when Bruce is an adult, older than his dad was when he died. Gotham is under attack, possibly by aliens, when the citizens of Gotham see a man in the sky, fighting them back. Five months later, no sign of this “Superman” anywhere.

A member of the CIA and journalist Lois Lane come to see terrorists, but do not tell them that they are monitoring them. The terrorists figure out what they’re doing, and kills the CIA member. Superman comes to the rescue, as always. Meanwhile, evil mastermind and villain, who has no superpowers whatsoever, finds some kryptonite, and finds out that Superman cannot be exposed to it.

Later in the film, our favourite DC comic characters, Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne meet at Lex Loser’s place, however, they aren’t aware of the fact that both of them are superheroes. It is very interesting to see how they both connect with one another, in contrast to how they would act if they saw each other as superheroes.

Even later in the film, we see Batman break his own code, killing bad guys, opening fire on them! He eventually wakes up, and realises that it was only a dream. I was nearly heartbroken to see him break his code, I was glad it was all a dream. In reality, he did have to chase after some more bad guys, later in the story. (Big surprise) Although, I personally found it very entertaining to see how he’d attempt to hunt them all down, in his Batmobile!

He soon stops, once he sees Superman. Superman and Batman almost have a huge fight, but Superman doesn’t continue to fight. Batman asks, “Tell me, do you bleed? You will.” At this point, I was hooked. Some point later in the film, citizens of Gotham want to basically find out why he wont leave them alone.

Once he met all of them, inside a building, one of the people, Lex Luther, was missing. I couldn’t help but think something was up. Pretty soon, the building exploded. I was taken aback by this. Superman could be seen trying to help others. I was just relieved to know it wasn’t him that blew up the building. Lex Loser gains access to an alien ship somehow. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t following the story at the time. Don’t hate me please!!

Later on, Batman manages to make a kryptonite spear! Uh oh! Even later, Lex Luther tries flirting with Lois Lane, but fails and throws her off the top of a building. I think, I don’t know… Of course, Superman arrives just in time to save the girl falling to her death, not a cliché situation at all… This time, he tries flirting with Superman, and obviously, with all those hand gestures, he manages to win him over.

Now, Lex gets Superman to do whatever he wants him to, such as, fight Batman. Now, I’m not entirely sure why Lex wants Superman to do this, but I think it’s because Lex wants Superman all for himself.

Make of that what you will.

Soon, it’s just Batman and Superman fighting. Eventually, after several punches in the face, and I mean several, they stop, hug it out, share a box of chocolates, go on a nice dinner date on a Saturday afternoon, and watch the sunset together…

Eventually, Lex Luther somehow gets a huge monster to roam wild in Gotham. Superman takes it into space, and the government launched a bomb up to space with them. So this monster gets a huge power surge and basically becomes God on earth. Probably just had an overdose, started transforming into some invincible monster of death, and created a whole in the space time continuum. This kinda thing happens.

Batman attempts at killing it, but fails miserably. Meanwhile, Superman is now a planet, just floating around in space. Batman is then pinned and about to die, because, well, you see, there’s like, a massive godlike dude about to shoot him with a laser beam that is like, really strong.

Then, out of nowhere, Wonder Woman saves Batman’s life! Superman finally makes his way down on earth, and they all gang up on the monster. Superman sees the spear with kryptonite on it, and risks his own life to save everyone.

He stabs the monster, an also gets stabbed. Surprisingly, I hadn’t been worried about any deaths for good guys in this film, because they always survive, so the end was a major shock.

Sadly, although Superman managed to kill the monster, he died aswell. You saw the title, so don’t start commenting on how you “didn’t know this would have spoilers in it!” The monster dies, Superman dies, everyone cries.

On the bright side though, Lex Luther sent to prison and gets a haircut!

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